It all began with a heartbeat.

The Universe’s first one, when it created itself from nothing, as a token of appreciation to God’s good will and sense of humor. Life’s first heartbeat, in the mother’s womb. The first kiss. The first I love you. The first fuck, the first ride in the roller-coaster, the first fist in the face, the last words of a dying man to his loved ones.

My journey with you started a while ago, when my mind thought you as desirable, put the system into work and my heart in fibrillation. “You wannna try?” “Oh, yes, I want to feel how it’s like to be awake standing on the thin line between whatever and life. One line. A quick line, a short line. I’m not a junky. One sniff will not change me forever”.

Quote: “If you dance with the devil, the devil don’t change. The devil changes you”. (Max California)

You made the word “change” become a symphony from hell. I pledged myself to you that night. Brilliantly cut, but still impure, made of synchronies and gaps, by substances unknown to man, by the lives you took before, by the clarity of your tangled spirit. I let you take me. I just went along. Beautiful devil, you danced me straight into oblivion…

And I loved it! No inhibitions, no pain, no night terrors, no thoughts, no words, wired to life as vampires are wired to death. Strip under the moonlight, dance to my last breath, fuck like a god, feel like a giant sponge sucking life. When the world was sleeping, I was taking a line. And sky exploded in million colors.

The truth is, substance is abusing people, not the other way around. By not having you, and not being able to take you in me, by being scarce and refusing yourself to me, that’s when it truly hurts. That’s when I want you more, that’s when I would do anything for another dose of you.

My body is decaying.

I sniff in dirty corners, looking for you, I feel my piss down in my pants, I lurk the night, the nightmares and the streets, I’d cheat for you, I’d kill for you, I’d prostitute myself to you, I’d slit my veins wide open and take a dive in you. Just for you to give me another fix, another crush, another orgasm.

I walk this endless roads, blood screaming, brain swelling, soul numbing. I am a ghost that hunts your beauty, I am a beggar of your mercy, I am a slave to what may come.

We feed on the first kiss. The first I love you. The first fuck, the first ride in the roller-coaster, the first fist in the face, the last words of a dying man to his loved ones. We thrive to create ourselves from nothing. We live just for those instances in time when we do want to feel we have a heart.

I want you more. Not ready to give up or leave this wicked house of pain, or fall my life asleep. . . I need to bleed my nose again.

And feel another heartbeat.

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