Dear Lord Vader,
You were right, Sir.
The cookies DO taste better on the Dark Side. Tried them myself a few years back and the flavor is just addictive. Never stopped thinking about them, even if I pledged my life to the “Resist the Temptation of Evil Hors d’Oeuvres” strings quartet.
As you have probably figured out by now, I had a hard time adjusting to the diet imposed by the Light Yogurt and Fresh Carrots counterpart, even if I could fake it so well that nobody knew I was clenching my teeth in raw Chateaubriand Stake every night. As the French would say, mon coeur a été déjà pris…
But the struggle within me got so epic, I finally decided to be true to my nature and admit I need sugar and bad proteins in my system. I am sure, in your infinite knowledge, that you understand the deep connotation of the saying which states that the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence. So, after a careful consideration of matters, I drew the conclusion I want to wine and dine at your table, even if my cholesterol and glucose levels will eventually jump the sky. But then again, what’s life without forbidden sweets anyway, right?
Furthermore, having an ages-long trouble finding the chosen one on this side, and given the fact that he apparently expresses himself better on yours, joining the Sith parade doesn’t seem a wrong call after all. Ten percent of something is better than a hundred percent of nothing, as one might say, and it’s my strong belief that even taking the risk of not finding the chosen one on the dark side either, is far more appealing than being marooned here, chasing butterflies with a cannon. And I also have a nasty, impairing eye sensitivity to Light.
All in all, my motivation to be part of the Exquisite Sensations Seekers Squad is the cookies, the fun and the bad ass games you guys play so nicely between courses. I am sorry it had to come to me so late, but I am very satisfied I woke up to see I am not good at pretending I was somebody else. The dark side attracts me more, so I finally came to terms with my proneness and weakness for self-destructive tastes and ways of living.
Not wanting to waste any more of your precious time doing evil things to others, please find attached my resume. Suffice to say, I am fully convinced you will find it an interesting lecture. Should you consider that my brilliant skills in denying and dismissing all the right choices in the favor of all the wrong ones and the wide experience in sampling and enjoying unhealthy delicacies are suitable for the job opening on your Death Row of Luxury Cuisine Star, I will be more than happy to attend to an interview.
Sincerely yours,
…. (formerly known as The Starving Jedi Knight)
December 2, 2011 at 16:54
Dear rebel dog (whom henceforth shall be adressed as ‘doublecrossing Jedi scum’ due to many letters of prostest from animal lovers and associated organizations),
It has come to our attention that you wish to quit the overly-marketed Light-based products and join the Dark Side as a result of our promotional cookie campaign (which, to be honest, was an unexpected success and granted as complete dominance over the consumers of such goodies).and several other reasons of personal matter.
We have grown much in the past semester and not just because of the super-addictive ingredients in our new Bantha cheeseburgers, but because of go-getters such as the LOLCAT department and its great idea for subliminal advertising. An idea that won them an award at the Emperor Award recently, for being both fiendishly subtle and equally amusing. At least for us. ‘Cause, you know. Evil.
So, as said above, we are really interested in clever, sneaky, gourmands and hedonists such as yourself. We are continously growing and,from what we gathered from your letter, you are exactly the kind of person who would help spring our trademark into the 22nd century (though it might be a different one, since we are in “far, far away, a long time ago”).
Sadly, Lord Vader is currently away on a personal errand on Yavin 5, refreshing the political views of the local Wookies, but I will be happy to set up an interview on Monday. Please bring a paper resume, two passport photos and your lightsaber.
Looking forward to seeing you,
The Emperor’s Little Helper
P.S. Bonus points for a black sexy outfit.
December 2, 2011 at 18:16
Strong within you the craving is, mhmmm. Joined the Darkside you have, mhmm. If heart left in you you have, smuggle cookies out to Jedi you will, mhmm.
Yours sincerely,
Master Yoda, mhhmm.
December 3, 2011 at 20:17
These are not the cookies you’re looking for.
December 3, 2011 at 21:03
No shit
December 14, 2011 at 18:39
Dear Miss D.,
Thank you so much for applying for the Death Row of Luxury Cuisine Star vacancy with Evil Side Unlimited. Fortunately, after careful consideration and assessment with the Sith recruiting team, we have decided to select you as our first-to-consider candidate. Your eating-dealing skills and background are so impressive. Your no light – all hassle spirit and no dying fear are just an exemplary shadowy existence that fits the profile we need for our black hole project. We have observed your tasty preference for our small percent of sour power bubbling underneath the black mire, but we strongly advise you to adopt our preferred saying: “ten percent of evil never satisfies our one hundred percent wicked nature”. For future reference and fiery practice, please note that here, on the dark side, we chase the butterflies with our unfailing chameleonic temper seasoned with all sorts of cookies that we crush with our big shiny teeth. And, oh, yeah, don’t forget, also with our long sticky tongue.
Whenever you are ready, we can arrange an interview. All you have to do is to give us a sign. If you still wonder how to make the sign, just get yourself in a dark room (preferably your wardrobe), close your eyes and then say this mantra “all light just go, let the darkness flow / all through me / let the shadows free / dress me like a queen / of the things unseen / put me where I do belong / in the darkness thick and strong / take my life right now away / throw me in the coolest sway / I am yours my Vader, Lord / of my life I am so bored…”
December 15, 2011 at 13:59
wow, look who’s back!
unfortunatelly, as you have seen already above, I was invited to an interview and I already took the job. your department is a little behind with the news I see…
)
but be welcome anyway. I don’t write so much these days so you’ll get a little bored…but nevermind, glad to hear from you anyway
December 16, 2011 at 15:01
Well, I am glad to hear from you. What a pity that you cannot attend our one of a kind interview. We still keep for you some big boxes of dark chocolate. Maybe you can remember that.